I have recently been getting to know a man who is currently significantly abusing alcohol and has unchecked mental health issues causing him and those around him huge challenges. He has been to the Catford site of King’s Church on a Sunday with his bottle of wine. A friend at Parkrun said that he thought that is what you should do at church!
But I have found managing to work with this man has been a consuming process. His considerable needs mean that I have found myself drawing on experiences from the last 25 years. I am hopeful that there is a way we can help him towards a better future. It looks a long way off but I hold on to hope. Interestingly today after he had spoken of some of the emotional pain he has, I mentioned some of the small steps that were possible and he gave me a curious, interested expression. It wasn’t what he was used to hearing.
I could write a lot more about this man but I won’t, it feels disrespectful. I am committed to this man and whilst he is complicated I have not given up hope.
What I will write is some of the things that help when dealing with someone who is already volatile and aggressive or has the potential to become aggressive. In the context of this blog, these are broad themes rather than specific to people and situations.
Boundaries are good. They are there to protect us. Putting a consequence in place and sticking to it are important for both parties. For example, on a Wednesday for the safety of 120 guests we have clear expectations of behaviour and when someone steps over the line I am responsible for making sure that they know that this is not the place for that action.
Do not rely on titles or roles to help shape someone. Act with internal authority, your word is your bond. Don’t be a prison officer who only authority is found in the set of keys they carry. Be someone who lives genuine caring lives, who is the same wherever you go. People see through external authority and will fight against whereas faced with a compassionate person who speaks honestly, not making things up is much harder to reject.
Get to know the persons name and use it. If I don’t know a name I always start by saying ‘Hi, my name is Simon’ and most times the person tells you their name (even if they are angry!)
Keep appropriate eye contact – help the person connect with you and not shout at other people.
Stay relaxed, keep your body calm. Sit down and keep your hands open. Especially for men get lower than the other person even if it requires you leaning against a wall or sitting on the floor. Whatever it takes do not look down on someone who is agitated. And speak softer than the person who may well be speaking loudly.
My final encouragement is to listen carefully. Don’t get distracted by other things and people around you. Ask questions to clarify and then summarise to check that you have heard correctly.
In the course of a normal week I use these skills regularly but the truth is that whilst they are hugely helpful ultimately it can all go wrong. I always remind myself of this because you can feel very foolish when it goes wrong and other people are quick to tell you what you have done wrong. It is important to stay humble and know your security is not based on whether you manage to make a situation defuse or not.
Finally, whoever I am working with, I remind myself that the person is valuable and hope is possible. Many years ago I visited a local rehabilitation centre for young men sent there by the courts. The manager described how for her first six months working there she went home saddened by the state of the lives of the men but then said that was too difficult so she changed her approach and decided it was much easier if she regarded them only as numbers. It might have felt easier but in my opinion she had lost her chance to be effective. Staying people focused is the only way to show hope.